Wednesday, November 25, 2009

i wish my brain had an 'off' button.

I can’t believe it’s been over a week since I’ve updated – bad blogger! Bad!

I haven’t even updated my weigh-ins – well, last week I was down 1.2 lbs, and this week 1.4 lbs. So that’s okay. I’m still plugging away, but … I don’t know.

The truth is, my head hasn’t been in it lately.

The last two times I worked out it almost killed me. Well, not actually, but I just so completely depleted myself that I was incapable of doing anything afterwards but lying on the couch with my head under a cushion doing this half-crying thing. (I didn’t even have enough energy for regular crying. I know, right?) It wasn’t about being sore, it was just about having. Literally. Nothing. Left. In. Me.

Ever since then I’ve been … blah. I don’t want to work out, don’t want to eat right, I don’t want to count points and think about this stuff CONSTANTLY. I feel discouraged about my lack of progress (I know people are rolling their eyes at that, but my net loss for this month is actually 0.4 lbs which I don’t consider progress. Plus I’m just doing my regular C25K workouts and it’s leaving me this spent? Not progress.)

Last night I tried to pep talk myself out of it, which normally works for me, but for the first time, I didn’t care enough to let myself be talked out of it. One part of my brain said “Come on, snap out of it!” and for the first time, the other part of me just sighed and said, “I don’t wanna.”

“I don’t wanna” ??? What is that shit?

This is dangerous territory. I’m swimming in shark-infested waters and I’m about to get bitten in the ass.

How do I snap out of this? Normally my strategy is to do something healthy that I love or that makes me feel good or buy myself a health-related present like a book or new workout clothes --but my problem this time around seems to be that I’m overwhelmed by ALWAYS. THINKING. HEALTHY. But I don't dare 'take a break' because I doubt I could bounce back from that.

Ho hum, ho hum.