Tuesday, November 25, 2008

you turn me on, i'm a radio

I'm buying a new shower curtain today, which sort of has nothing to do with weight loss but also sort of does.

In addition to trying to take better care of mySELF, I'm also trying to take better care of things around me, like my home. I KNOW that I feel a million times better and more in control when my house is clean -- not to mention that cooking seems less daunting when there are clean dishes and free counterspace readily available.

Sometimes I feel like I live on the fringes of my own home. If that makes sense. Like, it gets so messy and so out of control that I come home from work and I can't bear to do anything but sit on the one clean corner of the couch, with my laptop. I eat 2/3 of a bag of chips for dinner because I can keep them on my lap with me and not have to venture into the kitchen. My whole life becomes that little spot on the couch. I barely even look up from the computer. I eat chips. I ignore the cats. When it's late enough I go to bed. That's it. I just kind of ... turn off.

But when my house is clean, I feel happier. I engage more with everything in the house. I turn on my hanging star lights. I light a scented candle. I play with the cats. I cook a nice dinner and I actually put the computer down and maybe watch an episode of The Golden Girls or maybe read my book. The evening seems to last longer, and it's more enjoyable. I turn on.

Recently I've been aware of that in the rest of my life too. I'm living only on the fringes. I rarely see my friends, except S. I don't feel very mentally engaged in things. I don't enjoy many things, and I don't make any effort to find things I WILL enjoy. It fees like, with my apartment, my weight/health/lifestyle has gotten so messy and so out of control that I can't bear to deal with most of it. I'm doing the mental equivalent of sitting on the one clean corner of the couch. I'm zoning out and just ... turning off.

Getting my eating under control will be part of turning back on, and so will keeping my apartment cleaner. Last night I cooked a healthy stirfry, along with brown rice and some edamame. And I scrubbed the bathroom until it sparkled. Except the shower curtain looks totally shitty now.

So I'm buying a new shower curtain. I'm turning back on.