Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Today at lunch I felt insane.

I had leftovers from yesterday's dinner -- I made "Greek" pasta, with whole wheat rotini, chicken, zucchini, grape tomatoes, feta cheese, black olives, and a 'dressing' of lemon juice, white wine vinegar, olive oil, garlic and oregano. YUM. I ate about a third of it at dinner yesterday, so I had 2/3 left, or, enough for two meals. I have stupid-sized tupperware right now, though, and I couldn't find two smaller ones, so I just put the whole thing into one bigger container.

I brought that container to work with me this morning, thinking I'd eat half today, and half tomorrow.

Well. I was luckily distracted this morning, watching the inauguration on CBC with my colleagues. But then at 12:30 I came back to my desk and I started thinking about my pasta. I thought, "I'll just have one bite now, and then eat the rest at 1:00 when I take my lunch." So I had one bite. And then around 12:32, I thought, "I'll just have another bite now." And then around 12:33, I though, "I'll just have a bit of the zucchini, and a little tomato." By 12:37, I'd eaten 1/4 of the container, or half my lunch.

So then of course I decided it was 'lunch time', and started plowing into it for real.

I can't tell you how hard it was to stop eating. My brain (and I know it was my brain, and not my body, because my stomach was FULL) but my brain, just kept chanting MORE MORE MORE. I felt ... well, desperate is the best word I can think of for it. Panicked, almost. Panicked because I didn't want to stop, because I needed all these calories RIGHT NOW. My mind started spinning with the idea of so much pasta, and trying to remember what I had at home that I could eat later too. I had to make myself little plea bargains. "If you stop now, you can get a coffee in half in hour," and, "If you save some points, you can buy one of those over-priced fruit cups from the cafeteria."

I did manage to put some of the pasta away, but wow, it was hard. Way harder than I'd like to admit. I don't know what set me off like that -- maybe because it was pasta and I haven't had any in a couple of months now. I should have served my portion into a bowl and put the rest away immediately. I'm fine this afternoon, now that the pasta is put away and lunch time is over. I did get a coffee, but the idea of FOOD FOOD FOOD AND MORE FOOD isn't calling to me the way it was earlier.

Anyway, the point of this entry is: my brain is broken, when it comes to food. My brain is very broken. There's no doubt in my mind that I'm basically an addict. But slowly I'm starting to recognize that, and to find ways to manage all my weird issues, and to talk myself through these incidents, back to sanity.