Tuesday, February 17, 2009

bah humbug.

I hit a wall this weekend. I have no idea what happened. I was going along great – on Valentine's day I did TWO workout DVDs, and when my sweetie and I ordered Thai food for dinner, I picked an entrée that came with a nice piece of grilled salmon, steamed rice, and a side salad with vinegraitte on the side. I had a half a bottle of wine, but nothing outrageous. No chocolate, no candies, no dessert. I honestly didn’t feel deprived. I stayed on track all weekend and did another cardio DVD the next day. I felt great.

Then I spent the rest of the weekend reading blogs all about people's binges. About the chips, and the cupcakes, and the pizza and the pasta and the this and the that and the other thing. I gotta say (and I'm not directing this at anyone in particular, honestly!) I HATE when people list all the details of their 'binge' – it feels kinda sick to me, like some weird 'food porn'. But I know a blog is essentially a private space, and I fully support people's right to say whatever they want in them – but I can still hate reading it.

Anyway, it just sent me into such a tailspin – like I am literally busting my ass over here, NEVER going off plan, never having these fits of mindless eating, never making excuses for myself. And I lose one pound. Or, like last week, have a gain. And the people who go off track lose the same as me and half the time, they seem to do BETTER than me! And I just got into that horrible headspace of "IT'S NOT FAIR".

You know the one I mean, right? IT'S NOT FAIR that other people can eat what they want. IT'S NOT FAIR that I'm a slow loser. IT'S NOT FAIR that I haven't lost all this weight already. The IT'S NOT FAIR mentality is so dangerous, and such a waste of time – and frankly, it's half of what got me in this mess in the first place.

But it's nesting in my brain for now – I didn't make the best choices last night or this morning. Last night I kept picking at Shaun's french fries, and when he asked if he should be keeping them away from me, I said, quite childishly, "No, I quit this diet, it's stupid!" Luckily he just laughed at me, moved the plate to the other side of the table and said, "Yup, I should be keeping these away from you." He's the best.

I'm sure I'll shake this eventually, but for now I felt like venting. This is a place I've stumbled before – getting frustrated and taking out my frustrations on 'the diet' by sabotaging it. If anyone has suggestions on how to snap out of it, I'd love to hear them!