Thursday, May 7, 2009

let's think about this just a little more, shall we.

My weigh-in is tonight, and I’m nervous. Not because I didn’t do well this week (I did!) but, I don’t know.

Actually, I kind of do know, but it’s stupid. Last week I only lost 0.4 and I’m really scared to have another small loss! It’s like, every time I have a small loss, I think: that’s it, I’ve hit a plateau! Or worse: that’s it I’ve hit my set point! I’ll never lose anymore weight, THE TRAIN STOPS HERE.

Does anyone else get that? I’ve been obsessing ALL WEEK about calories in and calories out, wearing my heart rate monitor around all day, researching the accuracy of wearing your heart rate monitor all day, etc. It’s stupid!

And you know what’s even stupider? I NEVER do the reverse. When I have a good loss, I never think to myself, “Oh, I’m on a streak I’m going to keep right on losing!” No, when I have a good loss, I think, “Oh, I’ll pay for that one next week!”

It’s some weird brain thing I have! I think Dr. Beck would call it a ‘sabotaging thought.’ I guess there is some (rather large) part of me that still doesn’t believe I can lose weight. Not that I don’t want to and not that I’m not trying, but that my body is literally going to refuse to cooperate with my efforts. That my body is defective. I think that’s why I got so upset about my hip thing too, because it seemed like proof that my body was going to betray me.

I guess it comes from so many years of feeling like I WAS being betrayed by my body: it could never do the things I wanted it to, it hurt where it shouldn’t. It would not just sit lightly and look pretty -- it would make a big scene everywhere we went. It was like a child that wouldn’t behave.

But then that’s the real kicker, isn’t it? My body WAS like a child. And it was my job to take care of it and I didn’t. So who betrayed who, really?

Yeah. That’s what’s going through my mind these days! Deep thoughts, people. DEEP THOUGHTS.