I never thought I'd say this, but I'm starting to hate weekends. The time just seems to stretch on forever, and I just watch the clock on my laptop, waiting for it to be late enough to go to bed.
I''m not good at saying this kind of stuff, but the truth is, I've been really lonely for the last few months. I have too much free time. Over the last year I inadvertently cut myself from most of my friends, and weight loss has become my only 'project'. I don't see anyone anymore and I don't do a lot of 'extra' stuff or have a lot of obligations, and so my free time seems to stretch on forever, like a desert, burning hot. But basically what I mean is: I feel lonely, down to my bones.
I spent three hours at the gym today, just because I could. It was a place I could go where I could be around people, but not have to eat/drink/buy anything. Isn't that sad? I've become the person who chats too much in line at the grocery store -- I see the clerk's eyes glaze over but I can't help it. I go to the grocery pretty much every day now, just for something to do.
The funny thing is I'm a lot happier now than I used to be. I have a job in my field that has a lot of freedom and allows for a fair bit of creativity and learning. I have a nicer apartment that's NOT in a basement and has real furniture and windows and everything. I have Shaun and my little kitties and of course, I'm 50 lbs lighter. I feel so stable all of the time and not moody like I used to be. I have more energy to do stuff and I feel 100x stronger, physically and mentally, than I was at this time last year. I spend most of my time feeling enormously pleased with what I've accomplished this year.
And then there are times that I miss the old me so much that it hurts. And I don't know -- maybe I miss the food too. It certainly felt like a friend to me, and eating a box of Kraft Dinner and then a couple of eclairs was definitely one way to pass an evening. Sometimes I daydream about my old life, because even though I was probably unhappy, I sure had a lot of fun.
And then THAT scares the crap out of me because I don't actually want to lose what I have now. I wouldn't trade Shaun for anything and I don't want to gain the weight back and ... I just ... I want it both ways, I guess. I want to have my cake, and I want to eat it too. AND I want to eat it with Shaun and my friends and I would prefer if it tasted great and had zero calories, KTHX.
I don't know what I'm saying. I feel all mixed up. I feel like when you're doing a puzzle game, like a Rubik's Cube, and you get so close to being finished but you realize you made a mistake somewhere, early on, and you won't ever actually be able to complete it, even though it looks like you're almost there. I feel like I made some fundamental flaw somewhere but I don't know where and I don't know how to fix it from here.
You know, I never really got it when people talked about the more personal part of weightloss. I thought the hardest part was eating right and working out, but I was wrong. The hardest part is trying to live in three dimensions: past, present and future. The hardest part is realizing you have no fucking clue how to put together a Rubik's Cube.
