Wednesday, February 24, 2010

“half-assed’ vs. moderation OR enough, too much, not enough

Ok, I wanted to say something further about yesterday’s posts, because there’s a lot more for me to say here, now that I’m thinking more calmly.

First of all, I do want to apologize if I offended anyone with the post I deleted. (In case you missed it, it was essentially a vent about how frustrated I was that, despite the fact that I was putting what I felt to be 100% effort into my weightloss efforts, I was having the same results as someone who was putting in ‘half-assed’ efforts.)

So, I know I said this in the post, but I will say it again: I honestly think there is NOTHING wrong with this approach. And in fact, I shouldn’t have used the word ‘half-assed’, because that word has more negative connotations than I intended. I should have used a more diplomatic word, like ‘moderate’: I’m frustrated that I put in a ‘high’ level of effort, and only see ‘moderate’ results, while others get the same results by putting in a ‘moderate’ amount of effort. And of course, I realize, as Chez Julie mentioned, that people put in moderate efforts for a variety of reasons (including injuries, illnesses, abilities, personal obligations, etc.), and I never meant to imply that people who did were lazy or uncommitted or anything like that.

And, of course, as some of you may have guessed, at the heart of my frustration lies … wait for it … FEAR. Shocking, I know. But for the past few months I’ve been worried that I actually have taken the wrong approach all along. Maybe moderation would have been better than balls out, because now I fear that I’ve been sabotaging my metabolism all along. The more I read, the more I feel I’ve been under-eating, especially on days I workout, which could be why my weight loss has slowed. I worry that I should have taken it slower, been a bit easier on myself. Eaten more, kept my metabolism up.

Enz had a great post about this the other day, and I suspect that I am in the same boat as her, but I’m scared to even entertain the idea. The thought of eating more REALLY freaks me out. It brings out all my insecurities, and my inner critic pipes up BIG time: “Eat more?!” she hollers, “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME, FATTY? You got into this mess by ‘eating more’. Your only problem is you aren’t working hard enough and you know it!” I point her to the articles I’ve been reading, I show her how on about 5 out of 7 of my days, my “net” calories (what I eat, minus what I burn through exercise) is around 400-700. I point out that that can’t be good, that my poor body probably can’t live on that few calories, but she only yells “THAT DOESN’T APPLY TO YOU”.

But anyway. I actually HAVE been trying to eat more lately. That was the new thing I alluded to when I had my big loss last week. I’ve been tracking all my calories on MyFitnessPal (as well as my points, which has probably helped contribute to my feelings of burn out.) I’ve been eating the amount they set for me (1340), plus trying to eat back most of my exercise calories, so that I’m not ending up with such huge deficits every day – so yesterday, for instance I ate all my regular calories / points, but then I ate another 400 calories to make up for what I’d burned at the gym. It’s sort of the equivalent of eating back my Activity Points on the same day I earn them, but I’m actually eating MORE than what I would normally count as my APs – for instance, 400 calories burned would be normally be 4 APS, but I actually ATE 400 calories back, and that amount of food worked out to more like 7 PTS. But I’m calling myself even for the day.

Anyway, yeah, so more calories. And using them on healthy things, of course, like yogurt and nuts and avocado and healthy oils. And the occasional treat, too, because that’s realistic. So after two weeks I had one great loss, and one small gain. I kinda freaked out yesterday, (“I told you, FATTY! Sheesh!”) but after more reading and thinking, I’ve decided to give it a full month. So about 3 more weeks.

Anyway, that’s the long story about that. And again, I’m sorry if I offended anyone, and I hope you guys know me well enough by now to know that wasn’t my intention, and that that post was more about me than anyone else. And yes, I was up at 4am writing this post because I can’t sleep when I think I’ve upset anyone. Group hug?