Monday, February 1, 2010


You guys. I have a confession to make. Remember when I said last week that I forgot to my WW meeting? I didn’t really forget. I just didn’t go. (Ok, I *kinda* forgot, as in, I didn’t think about it around 11:45, which is when I normally leave the office, but most of the reason I didn’t think about it was because I’d already basically decided not to go. And yes, maybe if I’d thought about it around 11:45 I would have changed my mind and went anyway, but I didn’t think about it so I ‘forgot’! Love that logic.)

Anyway, the reason I didn’t go is that the scale is up. Like, a LOT up. Like, 5lbs up. And for very little reason. I know I said I’ve been eating badly, but that’s badly ‘for me’. I’m still tracking and everything and have stuck to my points, I just have been choosing junkier, unplanned foods a lot, like saltines with margarine, of course, and beer, and chips, and lots of pudding cups. But all within my points. And my exercise is still spot on, I’ve already earned 28 activity points for this week, and will get another 5 or 6 tonight at bootcamp. And yes, I’ve been eating all or most of those points, but still, that shouldn’t be leading to this gain.

But I cannot stand the number on the scale. Every morning I weigh myself and I just want to cry. I had two nice losses at the beginning of January, and it was the first new weight I’d lost since October. OCTOBER! And now it’s back. I just feel like I’m stuck at this weight. It’s been three months now, with no real progress. (I know people are going to comment that my 5lb gain is likely just sodium, and maybe it is, but the point is that it’s actually been 3 months! THREE MONTHS with no progress now.)

The funny thing is, I was remembering that back in highschool, when I did TOPS with my mom, I started at 204 lbs, and lost 20, bringing me to 184. That was the lowest I ever weighed. In my memory, I just quit the program at that point and maintained that weight for awhile (before packing on 50 lbs in first year university!), but now I’m wondering if maybe I kept working the program and actually plateaued here. Maybe my body just likes this weight.

And to be honest, I don’t mind the weight that much. I’m basically comfortable with my size and appearance right now, as well as my fitness level, and how I eat. Eventually I do want to lose more but if I have to hang out here for 6 months or whatever, I could live with that. What I CAN’T live with is this horrible pressure I keep putting on myself, about having to go weigh-in at Weight Watchers and record a gain, about having to tell you guys that I’m not the losing machine I started out as. It’s making me FEEL like a failure even when I logically know that I’m not.

So then I think about maybe I should stop weighing myself for a while. But that worries me. I worry that without the accountability I’ll start slipping back into old habits. I also don’t want to stop going to WW because (and this is probably just vanity, but there you are) I want it on my record how much I’ve lost. I want my recorded starting to weight to still be 257, I don’t want to quit and rejoin again at 180.

And then I wonder if maybe I’m just totally deluding myself, like maybe I’m not being nearly as accurate with my counting / activity as I think I am, and this plateau is self-inflicted. Maybe 184 scares me because it IS the lowest I’ve ever weighed, and I have no idea what a life beyond that might entail. Or maybe I’ve just gotten too comfortable (read: lazy).

So I don’t know what to do. Stick with the weigh ins, and maybe refocus on my counting / tracking, perhaps with some increased accountability (like blogging / photographing / tweeting my food?) Stick with the weigh-ins, admit I might not lose for awhile, and face the horrible, demoralizing judgement of the WW receptionists every week? Or quit the scale for a month or so and pick a fitness or otherwise non-scale related goal to focus on?

I really don’t know what to do. I’m not giving up (not by a long shot!) but I feel really unhappy with where things are right now and quite stressed about where I’m heading mentally. I know opinions will be all over the board on this (or maybe they won’t be?) but I’d really appreciate any input you guys wanna share. Save me from myself!

(PS: I just realized this is my 250th post! What a celebration. Ha ha!)