the truth of who we are.

We cannot violate the truth of who we are within our dreams. - John T. Unger

I read this quote the other day on a new blog I’m enjoying, called Scoutie Girl. It has stuck with me the past few days, coming back to me at odd moments. 

We cannot violate the truth of who we are within our dreams.

Shoving a handful of chocolate-covered raisins in my mouth yesterday, it came to me again. It was not my first handful, I am sad to say, or even my second or my third. The tub seemed unending, and my hand kept travelling to my mouth, again and again and again. My stomach was protesting, and my mouth felt hot, too dry, but I ate more and more pieces, not letting myself stop, not letting myself even drink the water I craved. Over and over again. I turned my mind away, reading blogs while I force-fed myself these fucking little raisins. 

We cannot violate the truth of who we are within our dreams.

I have no doubt in my mind that this is a form of violation. It is a punishment that, for some reason I, and lots of others, insist on inflicting upon ourselves. For what, and for why, I don’t know, and I don’t even know how to find out.

We cannot violate the truth of who we are within our dreams -- but we do. 

I do. In my mind (or in my dreams), I am someone who eats good food. Who does not binge. Who values herself and takes care of herself. Yet in the real world, I am something much different. I think about it this way -- would I force my dog to eat "snausages" to the point that he felt sick?  I don't even LET MY DOG eat "snausages". He eats facny-pants organic food with sweet potato and chicken. Snausages aren't good enough for him -- and forcing him to eat them (or anything) till he was sick would be considered abuse. Yet I force-feed myself this factory food until I feel like I might throw up. 

Tell me that is not a violation. Tell me that does not make you want to cry, for what so many of us have become.

Every day I do something, many things in fact, that violates who I am in my dreams. But I want to stop. So I am trying, every day, to do better. To be more like the person I am in my dreams. Because the price of these violations that is just too high.