A couple of
weeks ago, I started thinking. I started thinking about how I started on this
weight loss journey, back in 2008, and how far I came. (Because I came far.) And
more importantly, I started thinking about how good I felt. (Because I felt good.)
I mean, really good. I felt alive in my life. I feel hokey to say it, but I
felt powerful. I’m not sure how else to describe it.
And those
feelings weren’t necessarily because I had lost heaps of weight – I just felt
like I had finally gotten control of my eating and my habits, that I was no
longer living under the thumb of sugar and potato chips and laziness. I had
taken my life back from all those twisted habits and small addictions that, for
so long, seemed to run the place. I felt on top for once.
And I have
been thinking a lot about what happened to steer me off that course.
The truth
is, I got scared. Really scared. I felt good and I got confident, and that
confidence directly brought on a couple of incidents that, while I can’t get
into them here, I can say were stressful and challenging and made me question who I
was and who I thought I was. I started to feel like I was on an elastic band,
stretching further and further and further away from who I once was. I
panicked. I didn’t want the elastic band to snap, so I let it go.
And it
went. I bounced back to where I had once been. All my new healthy habits were
replaced with old bad habits. It was a true downward spiral – but down was
where I wanted to be. Down was safe.
So I have
spent the last year wrapped in the safety of 25 extra pounds, watching myself
spin further away from where I actually want to be.
I’ve tried
a few things to get back on track, but nothing has stuck. But lately a little
voice has been creeping up – it says, “You already know how to do this.” It
says, “Start at the start.”
So I’m
listening. I made the decision last week to go back to Weight Watchers. It’s
what works for me. It’s my way to go back to what I know.
I started
on Saturday, and while my first weigh-in was kind of a bummer, I think I’ve had a
pretty good week and I’m excited to go weigh in again tomorrow. I’m also
excited about my meeting – in the past I would have HATED the idea of going
first thing on a Saturday morning, but now I sort of love it. I think it will set
a great tone for the weekend, and keep me focused during my toughest days.
I also love
that my leader is the beautiful and inspiring Ashley! I mean, if you can’t get
out of bed for this lady, who CAN you get out of bed for, AMIRIGHT? And I love
that our meetings are above an organic grocery store. It’s just perfect.
So that’s
my news. I’m hoping to get back to blogging a bit more too, because I think
that is also part of what helped me succeed last time. Nothing like posting
weekly weigh-ins to keep you accountable, right?
