Friday, August 19, 2011

an actual weight-related post. oh my!

A couple of weeks ago, I started thinking. I started thinking about how I started on this weight loss journey, back in 2008, and how far I came. (Because I came far.) And more importantly, I started thinking about how good I felt. (Because I felt good.) I mean, really good. I felt alive in my life. I feel hokey to say it, but I felt powerful. I’m not sure how else to describe it.

And those feelings weren’t necessarily because I had lost heaps of weight – I just felt like I had finally gotten control of my eating and my habits, that I was no longer living under the thumb of sugar and potato chips and laziness. I had taken my life back from all those twisted habits and small addictions that, for so long, seemed to run the place. I felt on top for once.  

And I have been thinking a lot about what happened to steer me off that course.

The truth is, I got scared. Really scared. I felt good and I got confident, and that confidence directly brought on a couple of incidents that, while I can’t get into them here, I can say were stressful and challenging and made me question who I was and who I thought I was. I started to feel like I was on an elastic band, stretching further and further and further away from who I once was. I panicked. I didn’t want the elastic band to snap, so I let it go.

And it went. I bounced back to where I had once been. All my new healthy habits were replaced with old bad habits. It was a true downward spiral – but down was where I wanted to be. Down was safe.

So I have spent the last year wrapped in the safety of 25 extra pounds, watching myself spin further away from where I actually want to be.

I’ve tried a few things to get back on track, but nothing has stuck. But lately a little voice has been creeping up – it says, “You already know how to do this.” It says, “Start at the start.”

So I’m listening. I made the decision last week to go back to Weight Watchers. It’s what works for me. It’s my way to go back to what I know.

I started on Saturday, and while my first weigh-in was kind of a bummer, I think I’ve had a pretty good week and I’m excited to go weigh in again tomorrow. I’m also excited about my meeting – in the past I would have HATED the idea of going first thing on a Saturday morning, but now I sort of love it. I think it will set a great tone for the weekend, and keep me focused during my toughest days.

I also love that my leader is the beautiful and inspiring Ashley! I mean, if you can’t get out of bed for this lady, who CAN you get out of bed for, AMIRIGHT? And I love that our meetings are above an organic grocery store. It’s just perfect.

So that’s my news. I’m hoping to get back to blogging a bit more too, because I think that is also part of what helped me succeed last time. Nothing like posting weekly weigh-ins to keep you accountable, right?