Wednesday, August 24, 2011

you can make it last forever.

i. Dear lord, please hold my hand. It has been eleven days since my last Starbucks scone. How I miss that sweet dense bread, with the glazed frosting that breaks so gently under my teeth.

ii. Down 3.8 lbs at my first Weight Watchers weigh-in, but already I am feeling hopeless, anxious, like I can’t do this and do I even want to? I want to eat better to feel better but this week I feel worse – dizzy, nauseous, anxious, panicky, hopeless, overwhelmed. These are not the feelings I wanted. I feel like I might not be well, and in a big way. 

iii. What is it about being in a cab at night, in the rain, that is so melancholy? Saturday started out bright and sunny and so I wore a white sundress, but I was out all day and by the time I went home it was dark out and raining, and my dress felt strange and inappropriate. I got in a cab and leaned my head against the window and watched the rain. We drove through neighbourhoods I used to live in, but barely recognize anymore, and outside I saw women dressed in short black dresses and high heels, laughing and leaning against the arms of men and dashing across streets to get into the bars and out of the rain. I thought: I do not know how to be a woman in this world. And it felt weird to think of myself as a woman, because in my head I am still a girl. But I am 30 (31 next month) and I doubt that society considers me a girl anymore. I am wearing a white sundress in a cab, and I am going home to my house and my dog and my husband-to-be. Not a girl anymore, no.

How did this happen? How did I become this person, with a house and a dog and a husband-to-be? I don’t know how to be a woman in this world.

The radio in the cab played Tom Jones and I had to laugh, because it was so incongruous to how I felt at the moment. It was so grown-up. I wanted something else, like Smashing Pumpkins, something that reminded me of being 16 and having a million roads open to me and not having to walk down a single one of them. Tomorrow’s just an excuse away. 

iv. Yesterday I ate saltines, a whole row, with a bowl of chicken noodle soup. I dreamed about the ocean.