WI results and some thoughts on goal.

Weigh in today and I was quite pleased to be down 3lbs! Hello 180s! I haven’t seen you in, well – ever! And goodbye to one extra point a week – I’ll miss you but I know I can live without you.

That also means 68.6 lost total now! Wowsa!

ETA: Forgot to include my stats for the week! Here they are:
Flex Points used: 34/35
Activity Points earned: 21
Activity Points used: 0
Weigh-in result: -3.0

I’ve been thinking a bit about my goal weight lately. I know I just blogged about how this isn’t a journey and I don’t focus too much on ‘goals’, but the reality is I’m following a WW eating plan specifically designed for weight LOSS and eventually I’ll have to figure out where I want to stop and transition to an eating plan intended for weight MAINTENANCE.

The funny thing is when I first started with Weight Watchers, I thought the 155 goal weight (the top of my range) was impossible. In my mind, my end goal was more like 175-185. Now I’m THREE POUNDS away from that! It’s crazy to think I’ve come this far. And of course, I don’t feel that satisfied yet – I still can barely fit into regular-sized pants! So 155 is looking more and more reasonable. I mean, I’m still going to play it by ear. I think it’s okay to do that. (And to be honest, if I’d first walked into WW thinking I had to lose more than 100 lbs, I probably would have walked straight back out. And eaten a donut or four.) But now, to think that I might have 33 lbs left to goal – that I can deal with. I’ve already lost twice that much.

why i'm not a screw-up (and neither are you.)

Friday night I slipped.

I’m not sure how it happened. I was very delighted because I had just discovered that Ally McBeal was finally out on DVD (!!!), so I picked up the first season at HMV. I had a bottle of wine uncorked and breathing. I decided to throw a frozen pizza in the oven. It was going to be a good night.

The frozen pizza I buy is the Irresistibles brand from Metro. It’s about the same size as a regular frozen pizza, but it’s thin crust and has a bit less cheese (I think) and it works out to be 20 pts for the whole pizza, versus about 36 for a ‘regular’ one. Good deal, right? Shaun and I always split it, and I love it because I still get to feel like I’m indulging in eating HALF A PIZZA, but at 10 pts, that’s not too painful.

But Shaun had to work late on Friday so I was home alone. When the pizza was cooked, I cut it into quarters, took my two pieces into the living room and left the other two on the stove, ostensibly for Shaun to have when he got home. But within five minutes of finishing my two slices, I started rationalizing with myself that I could have another slice. Only five points! What the heck! Go for it!

So I had a third slice. And then: yes. Before I knew it, I had eaten the fourth as well.

I ate an entire frozen pizza. I felt sick.

I immediately hid the evidence so Shaun wouldn’t know, but then I realized how stupid that was. So when he got home I announced, “I am an idiot and ate an entire frozen pizza!” He just kind of laughed at me.

Later, though, in bed, I found myself tearfully telling him about how much I still struggle with food. How there were times in the past (pre-WW) when I’d actually eaten pizza OUT OF THE GARBAGE because I had this COMPULSION to eat it, like a tidal wave in my brain. I felt the same way then as I did that night, I explained, eating that whole pizza. Then I cried a little, felt sorry for myself, worried I’d never be successful at this, and then fell asleep.

And then the next morning I got up and promptly GOT THE HELL OVER MYSELF.

You know what? I screwed up. I ate a whole pizza, oink oink oink. But it fit into my weekly points, it wasn’t a super-high point pizza anyway (I won’t even buy those), and I made the rest of my weekend stellar. Ate light, drank lots of water, walked six miles on Saturday and went to the gym on Sunday.

Here’s the thing: I think the more we think of ourselves as failures, the more we fail. The more we think of ourselves as someone who can’t control themselves around food, the more we stop controlling ourselves. The more power you give your weaknesses, well … the more power they have.

I screwed up on Friday, and I’ve screwed up in the past. I’m sure I’ll continue to screw up in the future. But I choose not to dwell on those screw-ups because I don’t want them to be part of the reality I’m creating for myself. I don’t even usually blog about them, for the same reason, but I am this time because I’ve seen quite a few blog posts from other people who have had the same screw ups and who beat themselves up in a way that just breaks my heart.

So I’m here to tell you that on Friday, I ate an entire frozen pizza, and I’m still okay.

Am I proud that I ate a whole pizza? Well, not particularly. Am I going to put any leftover pizza immediately in to the fridge next time? Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. Am I going to start thinking of myself as someone who can’t control themselves around food, someone who’s too weak to overcome a craving, someone who will never be able to lose weight? No way. Cause do you know how many times I DO control myself around food? Do you know how many cravings I ignore over the course of a day? And I bet you do too. I bet you control yourself a lot more than you think you do.

My leader once suggested, if you’re struggling, to keep TWO food logs: one for what you actually ate, and one for everything you wanted to eat/could have eaten. If you need proof of how well you’re doing, that’s the fastest way to see it.

We all just a need a better story -- one where we’re not the comedic side-kick, but the real hero.

cranberry almond compulsion, more like it.

When I was in grade 10 or so, my favourite quote was this:

"Life is like a box of cereal. Take out all the fruits and nuts, and all you have left are flakes!"

Ha! I thought it was sooooo clever. Anyway, I just randomly remembered that tonight as I found myself shovelling handful after handful of dry cereal into my gob. (Yes, I still have nights like that. Who doesn't?) I heart Cranberry Almond Crunch, even though it's so sugary I might as well be eating Frosted Flakes.

Oh well. It's still better than chips! And better than a kick in the ass, as my mom would say.

Off to make tea, and remove myself from the cranberry almond hot zone. Adieu!

WI results and the myth of the journey.

Weigh in today and I was down 0.8 lbs. I'll take it!

I was thinking that along with my weekly weigh-in report, I'd like to also start including my week stats (Flex points used, activity points earned). Because, really, that's what's more important, right? Not what the scale happens to say, but how I'm doing overall.

So this week:

Flex points used: 25/35
Activity points earned: 22
Activity points used: 0
Weigh in results: -0.8

This actually reminds me of something I've been wanting to talk about for a while: the idea of the journey. Many people refer to weightloss as a journey. (And to be fair, I think I've called it that on here too.)

But here's what I think: It's not really a journey. Because that implies that there's a destination. And there's no destination here. There's only life.

Think about this for a second: the best case scenario – the BEST CASE – is that I will do this forever. I will count calories / points, work at adding in my fruits and veggies, get myself to the gym, until I reach your goal weight -- and then I will CONTINUE to do that forever, to maintain that happy weight. Yes, I hope that I’ll get to a point where I won’t have to be as hyper-vigilant as I am now, and I think with time, healthy living can become second nature, and the points and calorie-counting will not have to be so front and centre. But I don’t believe I will ever be truly free of my potential to end up back here. I believe I will always have to monitor my eating and exercise, at least to some degree.

So when I first started Weight Watchers, one thing I had to do was put the 'goal' out of my mind. I started constantly telling myself “Pretend you’re on maintenance already.”

This has been a critical strategy for me. It takes out the urgency of the numbers, and puts the focus on good habits.

Yes, the thrill of a loss every week is exciting. Yes, of course, I loved (and still love!) to see big losses, and yes, I get impatient with gains, stay-the-sames, and even small losses, because I am eager and anxious to live in a body where I am more comfortable and look better. I think it’s okay to want to see those numbers fall. But for me, I have had to make that completely irrelevant to my weekly behaviour. I don’t eat and exercise the way I do to get to a certain goal. I do it because I’m already on maintenance. This is just what I do now. The rest of my life has already started. It started that day in November.

This is why I never give myself weight loss ‘goals’, like losing x lbs by x date. I hate those and actually think they’re really detrimental. I did it once in August because I wanted to get under 200 lbs for my birthday, and I swear it nearly drove me insane. I stopped focusing on my good habits and only thought about numbers. And it was the one time in this whole year that I’ve really felt like I was in danger of spiralling out of control.

Now that my birthday has come and gone, I’m back to focusing on my week-to-week behaviour, and I can’t tell you how much better and calmer I feel, and how much easier everything seems. So I’m not on a journey. I just do this thing, where I try to eat well, and work out. And some weeks are better than others, and I always find areas to improve, and sometimes I improve one area only to find another one has started slipping, and some weeks all the areas are slipping and I just try my best to hold on to my points and go with it.

But I do it because that’s just what I do now. Because this is where I live and this is where I always want to live.

I guess the best thing I can think of to compare it to is a marriage. I’m married to my health now. It isn’t always the most fun, but I’ve committed to it, and I love it, deeply, and it’s where I want to spend the rest of my life. And though I expect this marriage to grow and evolve, it doesn’t have a destination. It doesn’t have a path I can step on or off. My health and I, we aren’t on a journey. We just are.

i'm bringing knitting back.

Since it's very chilly out already (got down to 0 today in Toronto!), that means it's time for: KNITTING!

Knitting is a totally seasonal hobby for me. I can't stand sitting with piles of wool in my lap during the summer! But bring on the crisp fall (and cold winter) weather, and I'm all over that.

My first project this winter is the going to be: the Owls sweater! Some of you may have seen this before, but for non-knitting geeks, the Owls sweater is possibly the most famous pattern on the internet. So famous, in fact, that my local knitting shop offers a workshop on it, complete with instructions for a cardigan option. Cardigan option! So I signed up for that. Can't wait!! I'm thinking grey yarn, like in the photo, or a purple-ish-grey. I really like the samples I've seen that are knit in white, but I'm sooooo spilly and the idea of spending weeks knitting a sweater and then staining it with wayward coffee is far too depressing.

Anyway, blah blah blah, knitting nerdery! I'll bring this back to weightloss by mentioning that knitting is pretty much the best thing ever in terms of staying away from snacking. It keeps your hands busy, and if you buy sort-of expensive yarn, you will probably start screaming at anyone who dares to bring food anywhere close to you! It's basically a perfect system.

Any other knitters out there?

WI results and getting back on track.

WI today and I was down 2.4 lbs for a total loss now of 64.8.

That 2.4 lbs is for two weeks though, so it's not actually that great. I know from my scale at home that I was down more than 3 lbs last week, which means I actually gained this week, despite the food poisoning. The truth is, I did pretty piss-poor this week, in terms of weight-watching. Getting sick and being nauseous for an entire week really threw me. The first few days, yes, I was truly sick and could barely eat. But after that I was just suffering from a constant low-level nausea that was more annoying than anything else, and I solved that little problem by proceeding to stuff my face.

I wrote on Saturday that it felt like I'd gone back to my old pre-WW self, and that's actually pretty accurate. The thing I realized, the thing that was really throwing me, is that I actually lost all my hunger cues when I was sick. I never got hungry, not once all week. This ended up being a total trigger for me to go back to my old eating habits. I ate the way I used to: I pigged out. This year, I've really taught myself to rely a lot on the cues my body gives me to eat. But when I was sick, I never felt hungry OR full, just nauseous and MORE nauseous, so I lost all my normal cues. Without those, I reverted 100% back to my old ways. You'd think the nausea would be enough to keep me from eating like that, but in reality, in my old pigging out days, I frequently ate to the point (and past the point) of nausea, so I guess it felt 'normal', last week, to eat a bunch of ice cream and then feel sick.

Sad, right? The only good thing I did was continue to track everything.

The other good thing is that I am totally sick of feeling sick! I finally lost the nausea and I am soooooo excited to get back to my normal routine, and my normal foods. I’m even excited about getting back to the gym! And drinking lots of water! And did I mention not feeling sick?!

So this week's plans include:
- Clean the kitchen (which fell into a dismal state while I was sick)
- Stock up on groceries for home, and my office stash as well
- Hit the gym three times (get back to the Couch To 5K! I was at week 4, but I think I’m going to re-do wk 3 to compensate for the fact that I missed a whole week.)
- Drink 1 Million Gallons of water (approx.)
- Track everything (goes without saying)
- No eating out! We brought some leftover turkey home from Thanksgiving dinner yesterday (Thanks Chris!) so that should make a couple of low-point meals, and I’ll figure out the rest today.

I was disappointed in myself this past week, but I’m relieved to know that this kind of behaviour is more of an aberration these days. This past week has felt like one of those horrible vacations where everything goes wrong and in the end you’re just so relieved to be home. I’m glad that healthy feels like home now.

feeling better.

If anything will get me over this hump, it's dinner from my very favourite 'fast food' place: Salad Creations!

My favourite: the Wild Alaskan Salmon salad, with spinach, tomatoes, carrots, red onions, feta cheese, sunflower seeds, salmon, and a cucumber dill dressing (on the side, of course!)

Feeling a bit better today. Ran errands, bought a new book, cleaned the cat box (a coup for anyone with a queasy stomach, no doubt!), played around with my camera, etc. We'll be doing Thanksgiving Dinner tomorrow (Monday) at a friend's place, so looking forward to that.

Hope everyone's been having a good weekend! Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadian bloggers!

back to my old self (no, I mean my REALLY old self.)

I admit that I used to sort of roll my eyes when people would talk about getting thrown off track due to being sick. Come on, I would think. It's been four days, surely you are feeling well enough to drag yourself to the gym. A runny nose is not a reason to pig out on ice cream!

Well, my friends, I have been bitten in the ass by this food poisoning / flu thing. It's been SIX days and I still don't feel up to going to the gym. I spend most of the day feeling vaguely nauseous, so I eat nothing but toast and butter (trust me, those points add up) and when I'm finally feeling better in the evening*, then I am so sick of TOAST so I eat something fatty and overly processed, just for the taste of it, like a box of macaroni and cheese (let's not even TALK about THOSE points.) That, of course, makes me feel nauseous again and the cycle repeats again the next day.

My legs and hips are sore from so much sitting but I don't have the energy to do much else. I feel ...

Well, you know what? I feel just like I did in the old days: like a big fat pig. Nauseous, sore, tired, depressed. How did I used to live like this? How did I ever think this was normal? How did I try to convince myself that I was happy that way?

Feeling so blah today (as you can probably tell). Blah blah blah.

 

*No, I am not pregnant / this is not morning sickness.

well, that was fun.

Yesterday I woke up with a sudden case of ... food poisoning! Or possibly some 24-hour flu thing, because I can't think of anything I ate that was that questionable. Anyway, I RARELY get sick (the last time I had even a cold was about four years ago, no kidding.) so when I do it's pretty brutal. The best part of yesterday was when I got so dizzy and nauseated that I actually passed out, and only woke up AFTER I'd thrown up all over myself and the couch. Good times, good times.

I'm feeling much better today though. I still took the day off work because I'm exhausted and seriously dehydrated, but I should be back to 100% by tomorrow. I'm missing my WW meeting again today though, which is kind of a bummer -- especially since I'd probably be down a lot, thanks to yesterday. ;)

a long weekend. and a coat.

Thanks for all your comments yesterday, you guys! You all are and continue to be THE BEST.

Today is the start of my personal extra-long weekend. I decided to do something a little indulgent, and along with my pedicure I made an appointment to get a facial! This is something I've never done before and am kind of excited about, HOWEVER I have now got myself all freaked out about 'extractions'! I'm going to ask her to be gentle. Not a fan of pain!

Excited about the pedicure though, and hopefully the facial will be worth it in the end.

What else am I doing today? Started with coffee and a big bowl of oatmeal. After I post this I'm going to the gym. Because I'm good that way. And then I plan to head downtown, grab a pumpkin spice latte and browse the bookstore for an hour or so before my appointment. I'll be at the spa for two hours (God, I feel like a wanker saying that!) and then it's home for a fabulous Friday dinner of pizza and wine.

Ahhhhhhh. Today is going to be a great day.

 

Oh! Also I wanted to mention something that happened yesterday. I was at a bar having a glass of wine with a friend, and she was mulling over what she was going to wear to an event tonight, when she realized she was sort of in need of a black coat. So we swapped coats! Right there at the bar! I know it seems silly but I've never in my life been the same size as my friends and this whole 'swapping clothes' thing is a totally new and exciting thing to me. I wore her red coat home with pride.

It was also a bit weird too though, because I totally don't SEE us as being the same size. In my head she is "normal sized with just a couple of extra pounds", and I don't see myself as even close to normal yet. And granted she IS still a bit smaller than me (my coat was a tad loose on her, and hers a tad tight on me) but still. The fact that we are THAT close was shocking. I didn't think my self-perception was that off, but maybe it is.

I'll leave you with some photographic evidence of the red coat. I was experimenting with the self-timer on my camera so these came out a little odd but I kinda like them. :)

 

the fear of failure.

I have a confession to make: I hate the post I wrote yesterday. I've been fighting the urge to delete it ever since I posted it.

I didn't mind writing it. I wanted to write it. I was asked a question by a fellow blogger and I wanted to help her out with any advice I might have. I mean, that's what this community is about, right? But after I posted it, I felt this burning shame. My inner critic came out BIG TIME.

"Why the heck are you acting like you know what you're talking about? You've been doing this for less than a year. You know the statistics, right? You know the odds are that you're going to gain back all this weight and probably more. So what if you think 'this time feels different'. All those other people who lost weight and gained it back thought 'this time is different' too. You look like a know-it-all. But you're even worse – you're a COMPLETE MORON who only THINKS they know it all! Delete that post now and save us all from this embarrassment!"

My inner critic is a serious bitch, no joke. But she's very convincing, and sadly, she's not wrong about all of it.

The truth is, I am TERRIFIED of failing. I do know the statistics, and I do know the odds are not in my favour. And I can try to tell myself that I'll be different, but I realize that most of those people thought THEY were different too.

And, of course, hand-in-hand with the fear of failing comes the fear of success. This is the real bitch. Because it's one thing to fail at something that you've barely put any effort into. It's one thing to set out to lose weight and give up after a couple of weeks. It's another thing entirely to come so far, and then gain it all back. I feel like I have so much farther to fall now, and writing posts like the one I did yesterday, where I'm indirectly acknowledging how far I've come and how much I've learned – well, those posts are, for me, like being on a tightrope and finally looking down. Like Wile Coyote, I feel like I'll fall the minute I realize how far down the ground is.

See, even now my inner critic is screaming at me to delete that last paragraph. "Don't talk about how far you've come! You haven't really gone anywhere! You are one bag of chips away from gaining it all back, missy. You're a statistic. You're just another silly girl who tried to lose weight and failed. The less you say about your success, the less embarrassing it will be for all of us when you finally, inevitably, gain it all back."

It is exhausting, this barrage.

The good and bad thing is that there isn't much I can do about it except what I'm already doing. Keep making good decisions, day-to-day. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Stay on the tightrope.